Warnings

Alright everyone, I know it's been AWHILE!
I'm going to TRY my bestest to start anew and try not to make this depressing and sad...even though my life is usually made up of those ingredients! Besides that I am starting over freshy fresh! STARTING NOW! ready, set, go!:
I'm in college and not in jersey.
College is lame...my suggestion to all of you is: try your best to go AWAY to college..this was my mistake right there! lol.
I'm living with my grandparents and it's okay...kinda lame...well, mostly lame.
I have a boyfriend, his name is cornelius, I love him :-P
I'm majoring in theatre arts and fine arts and go to Queensborough community college. Life is decent and i'm in a particularly good mood tonight...yay me!
I think I have also decided to put my dream recordings on here too.
I've been having weird dreams lately so if anyone cares to disect them the that would be great! thanks-so-mucha!
thats it for now i think..
Payce!
~much love~

Woah it's been a long time i know. Everything has been extreemly crazy here with everything going on and i just haven't had anytime for anything. Stephen broke up with me and i'm doing so much better than i was. Im single and loving it. well i know but i have to go now and im sooo soorrrryyyy! ttyl!!!!!

Stepehn broke it off for good. He said that he doesn't see us getting back together. Begin the healing process...if it's possible. I should have listened to everyone when they said not to get back together. Sorry girls...not my hearts breaking for it.
later...

Okay first off i'd like to say I'm sorry to all those who have had to read all these entries about stephen. SORRY! but im gunna talk bout him anyways...lol.
Today he called about 4:30 and we went out to dinner. He had to see his G-ma right afterwards so i couldn't go. I told him he should sneak in my room again but he's a Marine now and, well, i guess some things he just can't do anymore. Which i understand.he said he really didn't wanna go to his G-ma's house but rather spend the rest of the day with me. I wish he did but i think we have no school tomorrow so HOPEFULLY we can hang out. As soon as he left i was in a bad mood. I missed him very much and just 1 hour isn't fulfilling enough. I started to cry and still, am somwhat am holding back tears. I can't help it and i know ima dork but......
I wish he would just call so we can make plans for tomorrow.

Okay tomorrow is school and the day b4 we have hespas. Im soo nervouse. oh jeez. Anyways stepehn is comming back tomrrow and i can hardly wait. I love him so much and i really can't wait to see him. Please let time go by quickly!! g2g bye all!

Stephen called me yesterday about 2 and 9:00 this morning. I was so excited to hear from him and i miss him so much even tho i haven't told him yet. He was complaining about his mom and i just listened. I don't mind it, we have the same kind of mom. The bitchy type. Anyways, i feel like i have so much to say but my mind runs so fast that i keep forgetting what to say. I want to tell him that i love him so much and that i hope he still does ( im sure he does i just like to hear it) and that i can't stop thinking of him and ask him how much he missed me and how bad does he really want to see me. I want him to say, Marie, I love you, without me having to say it first. I know he's under alot of stress and i am too but i think about him still. I think about our relationship so often. I wish he would call so i can tell him this. maybe i'll wind up calling him. I feel exremely embarrased tho! If his dad answers i just know he's going to be annoyed. If Stepehn answers i guess that would be okay.i'm so afraid he's going to have doubts about us again and break my heart. I really hope boot camp has changed him in that aspect because i love him more than anyone can imagine. Maybe even more than HE can imagine, or permits himself to imagine. Anyway, he is comming back to jersey monday. He has alot of shit to take care of and i really want to spend time with him. We only have 7 days or less and i want to spend as much time as possible w/him. I guess i have to stop acting like a selfish boob. His life belongs to President George W. Bush now, and i come second. I don't think it actually bothers me all that much. Except the fact i never am going to see him. At least he'll write and i love his letters. i just wonder how much he thinks of me. The first letter he wrote me he told me of foever loving me and how he wants me as his wife and how I'm on his mind. I wonder if he still thinks that. I'm so scared i dont know what to do! I know i have to ask him again but i feel that if i do that he will reveal somthing heart-wrenching and crushing. I pray to God i don't loose him again. I pray that he still wants me and loves me. Everytime i get this feeling, somthing bad happenes. Please i have enough bad in my life, i just don't want anymore. i pray that he still wants this to work i pray that he loves me more than I can imagine. Please God, Oh please i beg of you, Don't let anymore bad come between us. please......

Well let me start off with yesterday. Okay i skipped school and Christina and i drove around all day. We went to thrift stores and the barns & Nobles in feehold. We looked at Books that give tips on sex and stuff and also at romance novels. The only reason why i looked at the sex books is because stephen and I are running out of ideas...hehehehe. ANYWAYS, he graduates in three days including this one. I can hardly wait!i am so excited to see him.
Chris and i really did have an amazing day. It was totally rad and fun and cool and silly!Now today I wound up with the biggest headache ever! It's the size of texas and i dont like taking asprins or anything cuz i hate pills unless i HAVE to take them then i will. Also today, my mom got fired from her new job and it sucks. She can't hold anything anymore. I just think she's not trying. Actually i think she quit and when she has a job it puts her in a better place. Well, so much for that! Guess she;s going back to the pills...watch out life, your comming to a screetching hault again. I hope i can get out of here as fast as possible. Soon i have to go for my 6 hours i'm just really nervouse b/c i have never driven before and im totally scared. Anyway g2g. Maybe i'll type more tomorrow...maybe not.

~later

NeoKillerM [10:40 P.M.]: Look, sorry for calling you a bitch, but you went WAY out of line. All I said was "ugh" & you get pissed off. Let's face it you dont call me cuz you cant find time to pencil me into your "little black book". But honestly, your life isnt as interesting you you'd like to think it is. Last year you did the exact same thing. You made my life a living Hell for about 3 months last year b/c you didn't wanna hear what I had to say.
NeoKillerM [10:40 P.M.]: You'll probably tell all of your friends I was being such an ass to you, or print out this convo & bring it to school (if you didn't already with the other one). But, just remember, you were the one who came out swinging. Don't you ever bitch me out again!
ShateredEchos [10:42 P.M.]: Okay fine w/e i don't talk to u cuz i don't want to. First of all maybe im not as immature as u think and i dont think what i did was wrong. U deserve it and thats not the first time u pissed me off thats just the first time i said anything about it. Plus why do u think Chris wont go to the prom w/ u?
ShateredEchos [10:43 P.M.]: its not all my doing and YEah i know my life is boring as shit
ShateredEchos [10:43 P.M.]: but hey man...look at u...and also i promise no more bitching out....
NeoKillerM [10:43 P.M.]: look at me?
ShateredEchos [10:44 P.M.]: yeah ...ur life is soo intresting i dont even compare to u
ShateredEchos [10:44 P.M.]: please i was totally not in the mood for this okay? if u hate me..say so and thats that
NeoKillerM [10:45 P.M.]: like I said do as you will
NeoKillerM [10:46 P.M.]: And as far as my life goes...I never said my life was interesting unlike some of us, miss " I'm a tripple threat"
ShateredEchos [10:47 P.M.]: wow ......who asked u to listen to the good things in my life? who asked u to even b my friend? if u know about ur life why are u complaing about mine? i can do that myself and i know u can aboput urs too...i hear about it every time i talk to u
NeoKillerM [10:48 P.M.]: youre one to talk..."Oh, I tried to kill myself...pity me"
NeoKillerM signed off at 10:49 P.M.
ShateredEchos [10:49 P.M.]: WTF man i never said pity me! it happened a long time ago i was CONFIDING in u thats what friends are for...i dont need pity to gain friends
NeoKillerM signed on at 10:50 P.M.
ShateredEchos [10:50 P.M.]: WTF man i never said pity me! it happened a long time ago i was CONFIDING in u thats what friends are for...i dont need pity to gain friends
NeoKillerM [10:51 P.M.]: And I never said you were immature
ShateredEchos [10:51 P.M.]: u sure as hell imply it
NeoKillerM [10:51 P.M.]: you seem to have a talent for putting words into peoples mouths
NeoKillerM [10:52 P.M.]: How the hell would you know what I think?
ShateredEchos [10:52 P.M.]: u seem too have a talent for being useless but i dont throw that into ur face
ShateredEchos [10:52 P.M.]: i wouldn't thank god
NeoKillerM [10:52 P.M.]: usesless?
NeoKillerM [10:52 P.M.]: thats a good one
ShateredEchos [10:53 P.M.]: i swaer to go mike, i don't bother u do i? has the last covo just been haunting u that u had to say somthing to me?
ShateredEchos [10:53 P.M.]: god*
NeoKillerM [10:53 P.M.]: you dont bother me?
ShateredEchos [10:54 P.M.]: tell me what i bothered u with and i'll apologize
NeoKillerM signed off at 10:58 P.M.
NeoKillerM signed on at 10:59 P.M.
NeoKillerM [11:00 P.M.]: I say again, last year you made my life a living Hell for over three months last year. You get pissed off bc I try to help you out & you dont want to hear what I have to say. So I appologize (Even thuogh I shouldnt have had to) because I thought I hurt your feelings. And then you really give it to me in a note. You say I only went out with you because I wanted to feel superior. Fuck you! you were the one thaat asked me out. I try to be nice & you take it as a moment of weakness. So you decide to get in the one-two punch while you can. You have Jackie rub the note in my face while you laugh it up. "where's her note mike? where's her note?". And the way you pretend to be her friend, really pisses me off. Its no wonder why Dannielle cant stand you.
NeoKillerM [11:01 P.M.]: It seems to me that youre the one who needs to feel superior
ShateredEchos [11:02 P.M.]: wow i had no way u felt that way
ShateredEchos [11:02 P.M.]: ur so right
NeoKillerM [11:02 P.M.]: sarcasm SO doesnt suit you\
ShateredEchos [11:02 P.M.]: i really do suck ass at life...sorry u had to waste 3 months of ur life
ShateredEchos [11:02 P.M.]: oh its not sarcasim
ShateredEchos [11:02 P.M.]: i apologize
ShateredEchos [11:02 P.M.]: i really do
ShateredEchos [11:03 P.M.]: i swear
NeoKillerM [11:03 P.M.]: Cynicism is much better
ShateredEchos [11:03 P.M.]: why dod u stay my friend? how can u?
ShateredEchos [11:04 P.M.]: when i put u through this shit u still call
ShateredEchos [11:04 P.M.]: oh wait when ur bored
ShateredEchos [11:04 P.M.]: i forgot
NeoKillerM [11:04 P.M.]: bc if I didnt I'd be concidered an ass
NeoKillerM [11:04 P.M.]: oops looks like it's a little late for that
ShateredEchos [11:05 P.M.]: guess so....damn hard to take the truth on ur part i see everything i said to u went in one ear and out the other....
ShateredEchos [11:05 P.M.]: danielle hates me b/c of the jeremy ordeal
ShateredEchos [11:06 P.M.]: Hey i guess i am a bitch
NeoKillerM [11:06 P.M.]: It's not because of Jeremy, it's because of how you handled it. i see everything i said to u went in one ear and out the
NeoKillerM [11:06 P.M.]: you worded it perfectly
NeoKillerM [11:07 P.M.]: you said it, not me
ShateredEchos [11:07 P.M.]: How the fuck was i supposed to hanel it?
ShateredEchos [11:07 P.M.]: no wait here it comes almighty wisdom form mike
ShateredEchos [11:07 P.M.]: From*
NeoKillerM [11:09 P.M.]: You were sitting in steve's fucking lap you were even broken up with Jeremy & you made fun of Kristen for getting pissed off.
ShateredEchos [11:09 P.M.]: WTF! i would never cheat
NeoKillerM [11:10 P.M.]: i didnt say you did
ShateredEchos [11:10 P.M.]: And Jeremy and i were broken up at the time
ShateredEchos [11:11 P.M.]: as for Kristen its all okay on her part of course im the synical bitch here
ShateredEchos [11:11 P.M.]: thats just ur way of thinking about me
NeoKillerM [11:11 P.M.]: I just said you were all over Steve. You never actually "cheated". But you were totally into steve b4 Jeremy knew you two were broken up
ShateredEchos [11:11 P.M.]: Stephen was my best friend
ShateredEchos [11:12 P.M.]: and i remember the day i started liking him anyway
ShateredEchos [11:13 P.M.]: 2 weeks b4 cassies party
ShateredEchos [11:14 P.M.]: so those are the reasons u hate me so?
NeoKillerM signed off at 11:14 P.M.
NeoKillerM signed on at 11:21 P.M.
NeoKillerM [11:21 P.M.]: you got pissed off @ steve for hhoking up with her when you 2 werent even going out...but it's okay to hit on Steve b4 you even knew if Jeremy knew you two were over
NeoKillerM [11:22 P.M.]: but you know what, I cant be right
ShateredEchos [11:22 P.M.]: How the fuck do u know what happened with that
ShateredEchos [11:22 P.M.]: no ur totally right
NeoKillerM [11:22 P.M.]: so I dont know why i bother
ShateredEchos [11:22 P.M.]: i was wrong and i need ur help
NeoKillerM [11:22 P.M.]: refer to my comment about you & sarcasm
ShateredEchos [11:24 P.M.]: Mike, listen, ur a cool guy when ur not PMSing and all okay? i just can't talk to u ur worse that a girl...even i dont bring up ur sorry past and throw shit in ur face
ShateredEchos [11:25 P.M.]: so just please if ur gunna do that or in ur words"help me" first learn ur people skill and learn to help urself...then complain bout the way im living